One of the things I have been doing consciously this past couple of months is reflecting hard on my life. I've been thinking about the circumstances that led to some of the decisions I have made and one of the hardest things I am doing is facing the truth no matter how bitter.
Over the years, I have convinced myself that I fit into certain circles when what I've really been doing is trying desperately to fit in.
This is something that started when I was a child just in primary school and all the way to secondary school where I found myself trying to be friends with girls who end up backbiting and gossiping about me.
No matter how hard I tried, I just didn't fit in and without knowing it I built a wall of insecurities around myself, so whenever I made a new friend I convinced myself that I didn't deserve them and did everything I could to keep them.
In the university, I once befriended a girl who was much older than me and was a control freak, I found myself doing things the way she wanted.
I also once started covering my hair and became extra-religious to please a certain group of Muslim girls so I could be accepted into their circle.
I also became friends with girls I thought were hip and cool but turned out they were the biggest gossips and I fought to keep my friendship with them to avoid being the centre of gossip but that did not work.
Then I thought being kind and helpful will get me true friends but somewhere in the middle of all this giving and changing and trying to fit in, I realised that I lost myself and I find myself fine-tuning my dreams to include whoever was my friend at the moment.
Before making decisions, I ask myself what will this person think? And now I see how big a problem that really is.
I am entangled and trying to break free of a thick web woven not just by friends and family but also by myself.
The hard and bitter truth is that I haven't been my true self in a long time.